The quickest way to agitate someone is to press his buttons. It’s hard to tell if a sibling, spouse or roommate does it to hurt, out of habit or for the pure sport of it all. I can say for sure, when someone near me (hypothetically speaking, let’s say my wife) presses my buttons, I get worked up. (Followed by a retreat where I fantasize about all the comebacks I should have said. For example: “I know you are. So what am I?” or “Oh ya, Miss Poopy Pants” or the ‘lpblpbslpbslpbslpbs’ raspberry accompanied by the international sign for donkey ears.
In the great game of hockey, the term for the button pressers is “the Agitator.” Hockey (did I mention it’s a great game?) has role players: Goal Scorers, Enforcers, Grinders and Agitators. Each role helps the team win. Rough up a Goal Scorer and the Enforcer will pull your jersey over your head then relocate your nose with his fist. Grinders get the puck to the Goal Scorers. Agitators focus their attention on buttons - buttons on the opposing players – especially Gold Scorers.
Some Agitators take their role seriously. They want to get under your skin. Kenny Linesman from Boston then the Oilers’ glory days in the ‘70s and 80s was nicknamed The Rat. Claude Lemieux, who just retired, was nicknamed Pepe, as in Pepe LePew. One of the foremost agitators in the NHL today is Dallas’ Steve Ott (nicknamed Otter). Media have anointed Ott with a slogan, “Simply the Pest.
Ott realized early in his career a sharp tongue can rile up another team. In preparation for the 2001 World Juniors he learned insults in several languages. "I got in a little scrap with a Russian kid and he was just yelling in Russian, and I had no clue what he was saying, and he had no clue what I was saying," Ott said. "So I asked around, talked to some friends and found out a few things to say in other languages."
Today, Ott specializes in Finnish phrases. Recently he wanted to learn, "I'm going to come at you like a spider monkey," from the movie Talladega Nights. Now, if I said that to you, “Aion tulla milloin haluat hämähäkki apina,” you’d likely think I had a Cheeto stuck in my throat. But if you’re Finnish I might sufficiently take you off your game.
The bottom line is this. If you get paid to press buttons, then be the best gosh-darn Agitator you can be. Prepare with the verve of Steve Ott and you will instantly help your team.
Conversely, if you instinctively button-press, a talent perfected by some (like this friend of mine’s wife has where it really, really annoys him – which makes my friend mention it in passive aggressive ways), then hopefully you’d rethink your motivation. Otherwise you could end up hearing the comeback, “Aion tulla milloin haluat hämähäkki apina - lpblpbslpbslpbslpbs!”
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