One requirement on the Parenting Curriculum Vitae is disciplining. As you try to administer punishment you never know if you’re flailing or failing. We discipline to teach the concept of consequence. How can you expect your child to be ready to leave home after 18 years if the kid doesn’t understand the concept of cause and effect? So we play Whack a Mole with best-guess parenting.
Last year, teachers informed us our son was out of line and rightfully looked at us to solve “the problem.” So we took away Max’s band for six weeks. He had gigs and practices. Our intention: teach him the concept of consequence. You step out of line you get punished. The problem was we beat him down more than the teachers were already doing five days a week. Max was miserable.
Amidst our Whack A Mole parenting we sought the advice from Candace Fitzpatrick, President of Core Clarity. Candace knows a lot about helping children and teachers maximize the strengths of students for measurable benefits in the classroom. When we shared our strategy with her, we expected the same response we got from all parents we told. (Parents do this when they get together. They talk about their kids to the point of hives, uncontrollable twitching and medical attention.) The universal response was always, “Good for you. It’s hard to punish your kid but you have to do it. I bet he sure learned his lesson.”
Yet Candace said immediately, “That was a mistake. What you did was take away something that gave him joy and energy. This creates less enthusiasm and more problems.” She was right. Our punishment didn’t solve anything. It wasn’t until months later we discovered Max had dyslexia and was acting-out from frustration. This year we moved him to a school for children with learning differences.
The joy and enthusiasm is back. But he’s still a kid with lapses in good judgment. Recently we found out he was signing my name on homework sheets instead of proper authorization. Meanwhile his marks were suffering and Max was just getting by. We needed to punish him but Candace’s advice was not lost on us.
This time the six-week punishment involved two things. In his room by 8:30 pm. (Max loves to stay up late.) And his cell phone charges in the mudroom. (Eliminating interruptions or texting distractions at night.)
The net effect? Max gets more sleep. His “punishment” is over but his marks have gone up and his level of joy and enthusiasm is even higher. We asked Max if he thought continuing the curfew was a good idea and he did.
So in the world of good parenting I guess we can “whack a mole” every once in a while.
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